Fading Ember

In his hand, he is clutching an empty pack of Marlboro red. He didn't expect to find it in his car's compartment. He opens his hand and stare at the pack. And a floodgate of memories open.

They met in school last semester. She always came in late. The teacher would always find a way to make a joke of her coming in late. He would laugh together with the rest of the class. That was how it went until the end of the sem. But as the days were numbered, he started missing her on days she was absent. Once, when he noticed that she was worried about possibly failing in class, he texted her through a number she gave him through a casual conversation after class. This led to friendship. As the days went on, she wanted more. But he was hesitant. And it remained like that for a couple of weeks.

Sembreak came. They continued communicating. And then they went out. After a few drinks, they decided to go out of the bar and stay in the car. She lit a cigarette and offered him one. They talked. And as the night progressed, their conversation got serious. The talk took a turn into the familiar route of romantic  relationships. He decided to give it a try as he felt happy when he is with her. They both were --- or so he thought. They went out a couple of times, had fun, texted each other every day… And then came the petty fights and days without seeing or texting each other. All this in just a month. Then she suddenly decides to end it. Making it appear that it was him who wanted it. He tried to bridge the gap, she wanted no more of him. Then came the pain.

He shook off his gaze from the pack of cigarette. This was the same pack he shared with her on their first night out. He was about to crumple the pack when he noticed that there's one more stick inside. He pulls it out, reaches for his lighter, and smokes the last stick.

He asks himself several questions: "Where did I go wrong? Why did I feel so manipulated? Am I not worthy? Was I just someone she used to while away the time?" It has been 4 months since he has seen her. Months of conflicting emotions. Of terrible longing and loathing. Sadness yet relief.

Yes, relief. That at least there's a sense of finality. He stares at the cigarette in his hand as it gets shorter by the minute. The embers glowing brightly in the night. I wanted it to work, he thought to himself. But she didn't. And now, he doesn't want it either. There's no point in it anymore. Some things are not meant to be fixed.


As the embers of the cigarette were fading, he opened the car door and stubbed the stick on the cold pavement. I'm done. He starts the engine and drives. As the car advances, he opens the window and tosses the crumpled pack of cigarette. This one is done. 

Happy Anniversary

Today, I blow an imaginary candle on a make-believe anniversary cake. It was exactly a year ago that I bade goodbye to the corporate setting and ventured full-time into the world of the academe. It was a big step for me. One that was borne out of several years, not months, of discerning. It was not an easy decision to make. 

Although it was clear as midday sun to me that I had a passion for teaching, what I found hazy was what was to become of me and my plans in life as soon as I take a different route.  When I was still in the industry, I had my plans laid out per year. I was calculating about how much I needed to earn and save for my life projects. I have plotted the target years that I was to own a house, a new car, and everything else. You see, I have always mostly been like that --- calculating and forward-looking. I felt safe and content that everything was going according to my plans.

But as ironic as it may sound, behind that contentment and feeling of safety was a gnawing realization that something was missing. I was no longer challenging myself. And I have been turning my back for the longest time to a dream that I've had way back in college.

So there I was a year ago. I was caught in a maelstrom of emotions and conflicting  options that I needed to decide on. Practicality or Passion? I know it could never be reduced to these two words but I had to put labels on them at that time. In the midst of this dilemma, the universe had been kind enough to whisper its words of advise through a book I happen to have been reading by then.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.

                                                                                        --- Joseph Campbell

And so I made the decision to teach. It wasn't an overnight thing. This consumed restless nights and uneasy weekends. But I made the decision.  I told my bosses that it was time for me to go. I told myself that if indeed I was making the wrong decision, I might as well make it earlier in my career. 

So where am I now? Here at my desk thinking of what a roller coaster ride it has been --- with its downs and (more) ups.  It is impossible for a roller coaster not to have both. And that is exactly what makes it an adventure. Honestly, there are times when I miss my old work, the office mates, and the comforts that come with the pay. But of course, I have appreciated the new work, more free time, new colleagues, teaching students, my intellectual growth, and a sense of fulfilment. And it has been a good adventure. Good enough that I have shied away from industry job offers. Good enough that I am willing to give it a semester or two more before I make another decision of whether I'll go back to the corporate world or not. Good enough that I will do everything I can to make this work.

  

Disclaimer:  ;O)

I am for people finding their dreams and doing what they are passionate about. But I am not saying that you take my route. I am not advocating that people leave the jobs they find dull and boring and search for their passion. I mean, yes they should. But only when they are ready. And not to follow it blindly and without a backup plan. I am just telling my story as that is the purpose why I set up this blog over two years ago. Not to tell you what's right or wrong. But to simply tell a story and my random thoughts.

Leaving you with this powerful song from Switchfoot.