And Then There Was College

One of the reasons why it always takes me quite a while to finish cleaning my room is that I tend to become nostalgic every time I come across my things from when I was younger (note the -er since as of this writing, I am relatively young). And by younger I am referring to myself when I was in college. I agree when people say that the best memories are made in high school. But there are also a lot of memories made in college that can whisk the nostalgic scent. Here are a few of them:

Far from being narcissistic, I am actually taking a risk at becoming the ridicule of my friends, and probably even my students, for posting this photo. This one's from my high school yearbook. Why include this photo when I am supposed to talk about my college days. It is for the simple reason that the Erwin who entered the college halls was largely a product of my high school years. When I was in high school, I was so engrossed with joining school organizations. I can not recall anymore exactly how many school organizations I joined ---- from the classroom to the year level to the supreme student council and even to the extracurricular organizations! It was actually a stressful phase in my life that led me to missing out on my studies. I did get good enough grades but I finished 19 out of 140 students. I know it's not bad, but from the perspective of the then-academically-driven student, it wasn't quite enough. And that was why I told myself that in college, I will focus solely on my studies and shun the invitation to leadership posts.

Yes, I was once an emo. But not the
gothic, suicidal type.

Things went well with my academics when I was in college. But it was also a turbulent time for me because a lot of life questions started randomly popping up in my head. Questions such as "Why do I have to go through the social system?"  or "Why can't I just be myself?" and even "What's the point in all of this?" I started doubting the loyalty of friends and questioned the norms of school, religion, and society. And this made me feel lonely. At the right is one of the water color paintings I made during this period in my life. Yes, I was into painting. No, I am not good at it (as you can obviously see). :)

I know some of you might feel a tinge of pity on me while reading through this particular phase of my life. I agree that I was miserable during this time. I felt like I couldn't go through it anymore. But I am actually thankful that I went through this stage at an early stage in my life because I was also able to resolve these issues earlier. When I graduated college, I had a better sense of who I was and I had a firmer personal understanding of society and religion. On a lighter note, every time I see this painting and my journal entries I can't help but recall what I told myself during this time: "Erwin, one day in the future, you are going to look back to this very moment and laugh at yourself for being overly dramatic." And I repeatedly tell this to myself when I go through a difficult phase in my life. And guess what? It still works like a charm.

The junior and senior years turned out to be better years. I was more grounded, more hopeful, and more in touch with my friends who were patiently supporting me along the sides during the previous years. I went out more with friends. And by more, I mean more. I miss them. My journal entries and paintings (one on the right) portrays this positive outlook through the brighter shades that I used. Again, please excuse the poor execution as I was learning painting on my own. 

To save you readers the trouble of too much detail in my story, let me skip some parts and jump to graduation day. So here's a picture of me with the typical hairstyle during that time. Or probably it was just my hairstyle. I can't recall. But what I do recall are four emotions I felt when I graduated. First, there was that relief that there will be no more classes, quizzes, projects, and exams. "I am done with that!" was something I declared on graduation day. The second emotion was a fear-hope combination. I know it sounds like an oxymoron but that was exactly how I felt. I was afraid of what lay ahead of me after graduation but there was also hope that things would turn out well. 

A third emotion was pride. The picture embedded in this paragraph already gives it away. Only a few of my post-college friends, colleagues, and students know that I graduated magna cum laude. Those who do know heard it from someone else. I only bring this up on job interviews. And when I do bring it up, I never highlight the fact that I'm intelligent. To tell you honestly, I have never considered myself intelligent. I know it may come as a surprise to you and even as false humility to some but that's the truth. I take pride in this achievement not because I believe myself to be intelligent but because I can say with pride to everyone that I had the vision of achieving something and the discipline to make it happen. I cringe in my seat every time a speaker or read a poster that tells students that grades don't matter. And then they go through a list of  names such as Bill Gates and Steve Jobs to prove their point. Out of respect and decorum, I keep to myself. But if I were given a chance to give a rebuttal, I would give them a list of names of those who got poor grades and in the end did poorly in their careers. I had thought, not just once but several times, of putting up a post dedicated to my view on this but I guess a portion of this post will do. What these speakers miss out is what happens behind the scenes in order for intelligent hardworking students to get academic accomplishments. There is that constant and daily renewal of commitment to their goals. And I believe that is the grain of virtue far more important than the shining medal. So the next time you speakers tell students that grades don't matter, please be responsible enough to add a tagline such as "Discipline, commitment, and hard work do."

And the last emotion on my list is that of... I can't quite put a word to it. The closest word I can think of is "miss." On graduation day, I already started missing my classmates and friends. I won't be seeing as often as I'd like the persons who shared these four years of my life. This feeling became even more amplified as the days went by when we got jobs in different companies. Some went back to their province, some went abroad, while the rest of us stayed.

These four years are some of the best years of my life. I remember them fondly despite the challenges --- academic and emotional. As much as possible, I get to to relive these moments by hanging out with my friends. Although this has become rarer and rarer, the same bond instantly zaps into form every time that we meet. For those who are still in college, enjoy every moment of it no matter how crazy it gets. Give it your best when asked to study for an exam, work on a project, or deliver a report. Be silly. Take risks. Learn from mistakes. Appreciate your classmates, your friends, even your teachers. Because in the end, these are the stuff that good memories are made of.

Teacher Turned Humbled Student

Ironically, I spent World Teachers' Day by being a student. I became a student of the renowned Francis Kong.

I have always shied away from attending motivational talks for two reasons. On a more practical matter, I'd rather save my money for something else. Second, as aptly put by one of my friends, we already know what those speakers are going to talk about.

But since fate literally handed out a free ticket to me, my first reason was invalidated. As for my second reason, the talk was an event hosted by a friend for which my training team sponsored. So there, I found myself amidst approximately a thousand persons who were eager to hear Mr. Kong speak.

Among the things I learned from the multi-awarded speaker were (1) You will never be happy unless you are productive and (2) The curse of business is inertia, the solution is momentum. These and a lot of others insights were very enlightening.

But what was perhaps the most important realization I had was that even if I knew well what the speaker was talking of, I needed to be there. I am a trainer myself and I have conducted seminars similar to the speaker's topic. I realized that I had to listen to him.

I guess it is like that for me or for some of us. It's not that we don't know these things. We do. But no matter how knowledgeable we are, we need someone else to tell us things that we already know because we may have forgotten them or have lost connection to it's true value. For me it was like Francis Kong was speaking at a wavelength that triggered my own inner voice that has been silent for quite a while. It made me reflect. It made me question my values. It turned me into a humbled student of life. After all, learning is a continuous process. I am then a perpetual student.

Happy Teachers' Day!

Fading Ember

In his hand, he is clutching an empty pack of Marlboro red. He didn't expect to find it in his car's compartment. He opens his hand and stare at the pack. And a floodgate of memories open.

They met in school last semester. She always came in late. The teacher would always find a way to make a joke of her coming in late. He would laugh together with the rest of the class. That was how it went until the end of the sem. But as the days were numbered, he started missing her on days she was absent. Once, when he noticed that she was worried about possibly failing in class, he texted her through a number she gave him through a casual conversation after class. This led to friendship. As the days went on, she wanted more. But he was hesitant. And it remained like that for a couple of weeks.

Sembreak came. They continued communicating. And then they went out. After a few drinks, they decided to go out of the bar and stay in the car. She lit a cigarette and offered him one. They talked. And as the night progressed, their conversation got serious. The talk took a turn into the familiar route of romantic  relationships. He decided to give it a try as he felt happy when he is with her. They both were --- or so he thought. They went out a couple of times, had fun, texted each other every day… And then came the petty fights and days without seeing or texting each other. All this in just a month. Then she suddenly decides to end it. Making it appear that it was him who wanted it. He tried to bridge the gap, she wanted no more of him. Then came the pain.

He shook off his gaze from the pack of cigarette. This was the same pack he shared with her on their first night out. He was about to crumple the pack when he noticed that there's one more stick inside. He pulls it out, reaches for his lighter, and smokes the last stick.

He asks himself several questions: "Where did I go wrong? Why did I feel so manipulated? Am I not worthy? Was I just someone she used to while away the time?" It has been 4 months since he has seen her. Months of conflicting emotions. Of terrible longing and loathing. Sadness yet relief.

Yes, relief. That at least there's a sense of finality. He stares at the cigarette in his hand as it gets shorter by the minute. The embers glowing brightly in the night. I wanted it to work, he thought to himself. But she didn't. And now, he doesn't want it either. There's no point in it anymore. Some things are not meant to be fixed.


As the embers of the cigarette were fading, he opened the car door and stubbed the stick on the cold pavement. I'm done. He starts the engine and drives. As the car advances, he opens the window and tosses the crumpled pack of cigarette. This one is done. 

Happy Anniversary

Today, I blow an imaginary candle on a make-believe anniversary cake. It was exactly a year ago that I bade goodbye to the corporate setting and ventured full-time into the world of the academe. It was a big step for me. One that was borne out of several years, not months, of discerning. It was not an easy decision to make. 

Although it was clear as midday sun to me that I had a passion for teaching, what I found hazy was what was to become of me and my plans in life as soon as I take a different route.  When I was still in the industry, I had my plans laid out per year. I was calculating about how much I needed to earn and save for my life projects. I have plotted the target years that I was to own a house, a new car, and everything else. You see, I have always mostly been like that --- calculating and forward-looking. I felt safe and content that everything was going according to my plans.

But as ironic as it may sound, behind that contentment and feeling of safety was a gnawing realization that something was missing. I was no longer challenging myself. And I have been turning my back for the longest time to a dream that I've had way back in college.

So there I was a year ago. I was caught in a maelstrom of emotions and conflicting  options that I needed to decide on. Practicality or Passion? I know it could never be reduced to these two words but I had to put labels on them at that time. In the midst of this dilemma, the universe had been kind enough to whisper its words of advise through a book I happen to have been reading by then.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.

                                                                                        --- Joseph Campbell

And so I made the decision to teach. It wasn't an overnight thing. This consumed restless nights and uneasy weekends. But I made the decision.  I told my bosses that it was time for me to go. I told myself that if indeed I was making the wrong decision, I might as well make it earlier in my career. 

So where am I now? Here at my desk thinking of what a roller coaster ride it has been --- with its downs and (more) ups.  It is impossible for a roller coaster not to have both. And that is exactly what makes it an adventure. Honestly, there are times when I miss my old work, the office mates, and the comforts that come with the pay. But of course, I have appreciated the new work, more free time, new colleagues, teaching students, my intellectual growth, and a sense of fulfilment. And it has been a good adventure. Good enough that I have shied away from industry job offers. Good enough that I am willing to give it a semester or two more before I make another decision of whether I'll go back to the corporate world or not. Good enough that I will do everything I can to make this work.

  

Disclaimer:  ;O)

I am for people finding their dreams and doing what they are passionate about. But I am not saying that you take my route. I am not advocating that people leave the jobs they find dull and boring and search for their passion. I mean, yes they should. But only when they are ready. And not to follow it blindly and without a backup plan. I am just telling my story as that is the purpose why I set up this blog over two years ago. Not to tell you what's right or wrong. But to simply tell a story and my random thoughts.

Leaving you with this powerful song from Switchfoot.