And Then There Was College

One of the reasons why it always takes me quite a while to finish cleaning my room is that I tend to become nostalgic every time I come across my things from when I was younger (note the -er since as of this writing, I am relatively young). And by younger I am referring to myself when I was in college. I agree when people say that the best memories are made in high school. But there are also a lot of memories made in college that can whisk the nostalgic scent. Here are a few of them:

Far from being narcissistic, I am actually taking a risk at becoming the ridicule of my friends, and probably even my students, for posting this photo. This one's from my high school yearbook. Why include this photo when I am supposed to talk about my college days. It is for the simple reason that the Erwin who entered the college halls was largely a product of my high school years. When I was in high school, I was so engrossed with joining school organizations. I can not recall anymore exactly how many school organizations I joined ---- from the classroom to the year level to the supreme student council and even to the extracurricular organizations! It was actually a stressful phase in my life that led me to missing out on my studies. I did get good enough grades but I finished 19 out of 140 students. I know it's not bad, but from the perspective of the then-academically-driven student, it wasn't quite enough. And that was why I told myself that in college, I will focus solely on my studies and shun the invitation to leadership posts.

Yes, I was once an emo. But not the
gothic, suicidal type.

Things went well with my academics when I was in college. But it was also a turbulent time for me because a lot of life questions started randomly popping up in my head. Questions such as "Why do I have to go through the social system?"  or "Why can't I just be myself?" and even "What's the point in all of this?" I started doubting the loyalty of friends and questioned the norms of school, religion, and society. And this made me feel lonely. At the right is one of the water color paintings I made during this period in my life. Yes, I was into painting. No, I am not good at it (as you can obviously see). :)

I know some of you might feel a tinge of pity on me while reading through this particular phase of my life. I agree that I was miserable during this time. I felt like I couldn't go through it anymore. But I am actually thankful that I went through this stage at an early stage in my life because I was also able to resolve these issues earlier. When I graduated college, I had a better sense of who I was and I had a firmer personal understanding of society and religion. On a lighter note, every time I see this painting and my journal entries I can't help but recall what I told myself during this time: "Erwin, one day in the future, you are going to look back to this very moment and laugh at yourself for being overly dramatic." And I repeatedly tell this to myself when I go through a difficult phase in my life. And guess what? It still works like a charm.

The junior and senior years turned out to be better years. I was more grounded, more hopeful, and more in touch with my friends who were patiently supporting me along the sides during the previous years. I went out more with friends. And by more, I mean more. I miss them. My journal entries and paintings (one on the right) portrays this positive outlook through the brighter shades that I used. Again, please excuse the poor execution as I was learning painting on my own. 

To save you readers the trouble of too much detail in my story, let me skip some parts and jump to graduation day. So here's a picture of me with the typical hairstyle during that time. Or probably it was just my hairstyle. I can't recall. But what I do recall are four emotions I felt when I graduated. First, there was that relief that there will be no more classes, quizzes, projects, and exams. "I am done with that!" was something I declared on graduation day. The second emotion was a fear-hope combination. I know it sounds like an oxymoron but that was exactly how I felt. I was afraid of what lay ahead of me after graduation but there was also hope that things would turn out well. 

A third emotion was pride. The picture embedded in this paragraph already gives it away. Only a few of my post-college friends, colleagues, and students know that I graduated magna cum laude. Those who do know heard it from someone else. I only bring this up on job interviews. And when I do bring it up, I never highlight the fact that I'm intelligent. To tell you honestly, I have never considered myself intelligent. I know it may come as a surprise to you and even as false humility to some but that's the truth. I take pride in this achievement not because I believe myself to be intelligent but because I can say with pride to everyone that I had the vision of achieving something and the discipline to make it happen. I cringe in my seat every time a speaker or read a poster that tells students that grades don't matter. And then they go through a list of  names such as Bill Gates and Steve Jobs to prove their point. Out of respect and decorum, I keep to myself. But if I were given a chance to give a rebuttal, I would give them a list of names of those who got poor grades and in the end did poorly in their careers. I had thought, not just once but several times, of putting up a post dedicated to my view on this but I guess a portion of this post will do. What these speakers miss out is what happens behind the scenes in order for intelligent hardworking students to get academic accomplishments. There is that constant and daily renewal of commitment to their goals. And I believe that is the grain of virtue far more important than the shining medal. So the next time you speakers tell students that grades don't matter, please be responsible enough to add a tagline such as "Discipline, commitment, and hard work do."

And the last emotion on my list is that of... I can't quite put a word to it. The closest word I can think of is "miss." On graduation day, I already started missing my classmates and friends. I won't be seeing as often as I'd like the persons who shared these four years of my life. This feeling became even more amplified as the days went by when we got jobs in different companies. Some went back to their province, some went abroad, while the rest of us stayed.

These four years are some of the best years of my life. I remember them fondly despite the challenges --- academic and emotional. As much as possible, I get to to relive these moments by hanging out with my friends. Although this has become rarer and rarer, the same bond instantly zaps into form every time that we meet. For those who are still in college, enjoy every moment of it no matter how crazy it gets. Give it your best when asked to study for an exam, work on a project, or deliver a report. Be silly. Take risks. Learn from mistakes. Appreciate your classmates, your friends, even your teachers. Because in the end, these are the stuff that good memories are made of.